I think you know this about me: I really love Mark Manson. After all, it was his book that helped me fight depression a year and a half ago.
A few days ago he released a great video (https://youtu.be/ICTgC1RDhng — God, Telegram on MacBook really won’t let me paste links properly), useful for those who were told at school “you’ll go far” — and then grew up unhappy and often feeling unsuccessful. I highly recommend watching it. Mark explains why being a “smart kid” is often not a predictor of success, but rather a precursor to problems. In short: a smart kid doesn’t develop the skill of overcoming difficulties (why would they?), surrounds themselves with people who make them feel smart rather than happy, and fails to recognize other people’s superiority.
And let me make a small coming out: I still identify as the smartest person in the room in most situations. So I became curious about what allows me not to feel like a failure — and I found three reasons.
The first reason — thanks to my mom and my family in general. I was raised with a sense of modesty and was called out when I laughed at classmates I thought were stupid. That prevented me from developing arrogance toward people who know less than I do. As a result, when I was dumber than others, I didn’t feel worse or lose my identity. It kept me out of a trap: I don’t believe there’s nothing to learn from other people. Almost EVERYONE knows something I don’t.
There’s also a “one-and-a-half” reason — I was lucky to find great friends: Edik, Tolik, Dima, and Egor — thank you for being in my life. Thanks to them, at school I could identify not only as a smart guy, but also as a basketball player. And just so you know, my IQ and my height are very close — and in seventh grade, especially so.
The second reason is the Higher School of Economics. I hadn’t gotten too used to my intelligence yet, so I experienced the feeling of “I’m dumb” at 17 rather than at 25. My psyche had time to adjust, and I had to quickly learn how to apply effort.
The third reason is work and communication in English. Three-and-a-half — communication in Hungarian. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be smart in a foreign language? I’ve been speaking English decently for half my life and I’m not afraid to bargain in Spanish with a 100-word vocabulary, but I failed to understand what a cashier in Philadelphia was asking me after five attempts. I had to say: “Sorry sir, I’m not local, I don’t understand, please speak slower!” I haven’t felt THAT stupid in a very long time.
In the end, I think I managed to avoid many (not all — trust me, not all) problems of the “smart kid” because I always had other identities besides “I’m very smart.” A few times that identity even had to give way to the identity of “I’m an idiot.”
Long story short: don’t be the smartest person in the room. It’s not worth it. People don’t love you for being clever — they love you for being dad’s rogue and mom’s handsome boy.