Following these two stories, I want to make two more observations.
First observation:
Notice that I found a way to take responsibility for a situation in the past. I didn’t blame myself even once — I still acknowledge my right to behave the way I did, and of course that behavior is far more acceptable than that of the attackers. But this is exactly what distinguishes taking responsibility from victim-blaming: I’m not saying, “It was my fault.” I’m saying, “Now I can see a different way.” The ability to take responsibility removes the status of “victim,” because now a person has the ability to choose a different scenario.
Victim-blaming culture is horrible; no victim ever deserves blame. And yet people need the option to take responsibility, because responsibility brings freedom — and freedom includes the absence of fear: fear of uncertainty and fear of repeating a situation over which you feel you have no control.
Second observation: //
In human society, aggression never makes sense. If you have reason to believe someone wants to harm you — avoid the interaction if possible. If avoidance isn’t possible, sometimes the best option is to yield and let the outcome unfold. I remember the time someone took my phone at knifepoint — I had every reason to believe harm was intended; force was on their side; and I couldn’t avoid the conflict — so the situation resolved with me giving up the phone. Look at that — 14-year-old Misha doing conflict management! I’m not joking: given the circumstances, that was the right response — and even though the situation was far more unpleasant than the one with the teenagers, I forgave myself for it much faster.
If you don’t have reason to believe someone wants to harm you — and I suggest you always begin with the assumption that people don’t want to — then why use aggression at all? Is it possible that even the most unpleasant person might scratch their head and say, “Uh… sorry, my bad,” if you simply ask the right question? In my view, if you cannot imagine any benevolent reason why someone might behave this way, it’s better to avoid interacting.
With this, I consider a rather extensive reflection — all triggered by five minutes of discomfort on a plane — complete.